Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
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A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.