Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
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Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.