having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
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Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them