having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
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No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
rich people when they have to pay taxes
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.