Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?

At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.