Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
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me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper