Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
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Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Just me?
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eelsI didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.