Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
You Might Also Like
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Stop.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.