Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
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[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.