Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
You Might Also Like
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too