Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?

Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”

People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa

I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

me [sneezes]: excuse me.

guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.