Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

4: When can I wear 13 shirts?

Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes

I feel this so hard

If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead

Today in my classroom

Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?

When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

Trying to keep the riff raff away.

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.

It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious