Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My company promotes diversity

We’d never hire twins

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

me: I need tires

michelin: here you go

me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant

michelin: you’re not gonna believe this

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak

Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Me: No…

Librarian: One day that will work.

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

I am thick and tired. 🙄

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”