Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

I’m all “class”.

The first two letters really aren’t necessary.

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?

Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.

THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

“Wrong house guys.”

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

“Yup, happens a lot.”

OKAY COOL, SORRY.

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

whoever designed giraffes was extremely high

OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me

Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends

Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry