Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?

M: ask him to use his other hand

Therapist: Let me rephrase…

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped

If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?

Her: No, thanks.

Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?

Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.

Me:🤦🏻‍♂️

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser

‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…

…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.

WHAT DO WE WANT?

RACE CAR NOISES!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??

NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance