[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
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To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.