Hawk o the mornin tuah
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[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
People buying plungers never look happy.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
The Assassin.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies