Hawk o the mornin tuah
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The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
me in a relationship:
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought