hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
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Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
These aliens are taking forever.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.