Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
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Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.