Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
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do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy