Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
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first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.