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My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Daughters official statement about the event once she got home: “This could have been really fun, if *insert teachers last name* wasn’t scared of freakin birds and cried like a little girl about catching the bird flu. Like, hello, Covid exists. Nobody cares about the bird flu.”
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Real 😅
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter