Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
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All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Not all heroes wear capes….
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history