Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
You Might Also Like
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Going into Monday like
😍😂🥰😂😍
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please