Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
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I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Who needs an Air Fryer?
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.