Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.

I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said

Own two different pasta machines.

still make cup noodles with the Keurig.

Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.

My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.

Me: Nope.

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE

[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?

Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better