Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

A tragic love story in two pictures.

[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me

that wasn’t the question

“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”

TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie

Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.

no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me

me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank