Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore

That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”

Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.

Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.

Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?

Her: No.

Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio

Till the neighbors start to mow

Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

What’s dopamine is dopayours.

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’