HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
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You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…