HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
You Might Also Like
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.