HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
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me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night