HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
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Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Breaking news:
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Finally!
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
