HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
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Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS