Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?

Prince Charming: This is my real name

Doc: Right

Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*

Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!

Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady

Prince Charming:

Grumpy: Charming indeed

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule

[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha

How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.

I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.

Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

Covid like

ㅤ

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut