HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
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How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”