Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

[At job interview]

Interviewer: Do you have a police record?

Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette

*hires me instantly

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

A comb is the ultimate parting gift.

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

Friend: I said be selfish.

Me dressed as a clam: Oh

I need to sieze this.

Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.

Phone

Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*

Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?

Me: A spider bit me

P: What kind?

Me: The dead now kind.

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.