HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
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Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Got my shingles shot. Just to be safe, I got one against vinyl siding too.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help