Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.

My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

How actors in movies eat their food

why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here

No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.

i actually laughed 😩

sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”

WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.

“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time

[at the store]

Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.