Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie

I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.

*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.

5: Mom, look at me!

Me: I’m in the shower

5: Look at me!

Me: I can’t!

5: Because you’re in the shower?

Me: Yes!

5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one

Yes. these are prescription Oreos.

Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?

Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?

Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok

Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas

Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?