Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW

DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.

[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*

It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

[packing for holiday]

WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase

ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.

Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?

Me: I don’t like your tone.

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.