HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
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ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
channeling her this year
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.