Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

Accidentally followed a psychiatric account. Oh well… now I’m committed.

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

I only look at Wordle for the articles

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

St Peter: welcome to the afterlife

me: damn… there’s more?

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”