– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
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ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Saturday
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
#ProTip
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.