He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
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“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
what
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.