He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
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Shower sex be like:
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.