Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one ever hated their job on a Friday!

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

google sheets just froze up (for everyone) on a call and i said guys i think we all just got laid off

people do NOT like that joke

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

man: hey do you take walk-ins

cremator: excuse me what

Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

They got a point!

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

RT if you know someone like this!!!

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver