He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
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I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
we’re dead?
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums