He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
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I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.