Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”

Waiter: Did we decide?

Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.

Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?

i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔