Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”

me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”

Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.

Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”