Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?

ME: Of course!

BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

[inventing colonization]

britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

No more excuses…

…I’m canceling that gym membership.

Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

Lets keep this short tell me what I did right