Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”

I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries

My sex drive has a dui

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine