Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

him: you any good at throwing axes

me: just call me lizzie borden

[me living in a hallmark movie]

oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?

well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!

WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!

eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

handsome & gretel

Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO