Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”

me:

model UN: also you can only be countries that exist

me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN

my mum slapped my neighbors wife and now I gotta fight her son man wtf i’m just tryna sleep

Customer: where might I find chicken livers?

Me: on the inside

Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect

Her: Whats that mouth do boo?

Me: Probably say something stupid.

Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number

Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao

Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.