Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

“I FIXED IT!”

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school

My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED

i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.

RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

How you can tell a writer has no siblings:

“Hey, little bro / little sis.“

How you can tell a writer has siblings:

“Hey, loser. Mom called.”

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

Me: *walking in front of husband at store*

Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”

Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?