He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
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What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.