He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”