He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Bringing back this classic
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*