He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Matt Goss
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.