He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?