He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.