He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
![]()
You Might Also Like
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.