He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
You Might Also Like
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
pls suprot
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
I can’t stop laughing at this
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
