He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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Life: let’s gooo
Road conditions: fuck you
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.