Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My time has come.

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

Who called them dentures and not substitooths?

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:

Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”

If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.

[Running a marathon]

Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.

We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face

Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio

Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.