Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived

My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*

Me: WHAT DID YOU DO

STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.

and this one

Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”

*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet