He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
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Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination