he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
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One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.