he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
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It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Inside you there are two wolves
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
God tier horse name today on the sims
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?