he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
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[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
This is hilarious
Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year
The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Thoughts
