he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
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DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Real House Wines.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’