he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
You Might Also Like
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
My first child will be named New Folder.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
This is no longer winter this is harassment
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”