he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
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there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Möther may I have a snäck
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
The USS B port
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
